INTERVIEW WITH SELF ON INTERVIEWS ET. AL/INSOMNIA/HUNTER'S SHOES

EVIL TWIN:
So, this is the new way of letting off steam, huh? To let your own Evil Twin interview you as if you're a fucking celebrity or something!?

ME:
I don't know if I write to let off steam, but yeah, I thought it would be fun to do an interview like this. There's a first for everything, right? I also just read some Norman Mailer and he did this thing all the time, it seemed to work for him, so why not for me?

EVIL TWIN:
Because Norman Mailer is a fucking celebrity, you moron. He is one of America's most celebrated authors and journalists and it could be argued that you're a pretty pathetic man trying to imitate his style of writing. Anyway. Why this interview form? What exactly is it that you want to talk about?

ME:
I'm not really sure, that's why I chose this form, so that I could just answer your questions.

EVIL TWIN:
All right, here we go. Once again you've just started to type without knowing where you're going with this. We're gonna sit here all night. What the hell are you still doing up anyway?

ME:
I'm up because I have about 300 outstanding issues in my brain this evening. I just sent off an article - waiting for feedback on that one. I sent off a radio doco earlier today - waiting for feedback on that too. I just prompted another editor an an article I wrote about a month ago that he said he would publish but I haven't heard anything. And then there's still another article - the longest one I've ever written - and I'm waiting for the editor to get back to me on that one too.

EVIL TWIN:
Oh, boo-hoo. Poor you. Don't you know that people in offices don't do jack shit on fridays? You've worked in an office, as if you would've read an article right away and provided feedback on a sunny friday in may? Fuck, you wouldn't even be at work on a day like this.

ME:
True. Another reason I can't really sleep is that damn job interview I went to today. I really think I can get this one I just hope I didn't fuck it up.

EVIL TWIN:
Why would you have fucked it up? You've been to a thousand of these damn things, shouldn't you know how to do it by now?

ME:
I'm just not entirely happy about how I answered some of their questions but hopefully they could see that I was a bit nervous. I actually told them that I was nervous too - I said I was a bit nervous because I really want this job.

EVIL TWIN:
Do you think that was a good tactic? Doesn't that seem a bit pussy?

ME:
I dunno... See? This is why I can't sleep this evening. Plus, I had too much coffee earlier when I was trying to finish off that article on social mapping and abused kids.

EVIL TWIN:
Yeah, what's up with that? You're freelancing for chrissake and you write about depressing stuff like that? Why don't you write about something cool?

ME:
Maybe I'm desperate to be taken seriously. Or maybe I just write about whatever pays. I think it's a bit of both. And I actually find some of these things interesting. I'm not really into celebs and sensation-stories, you should know that more than anyone. Like the couple of stories I pitched to that science place just now - one on the decoding of the platypus genome and that other one on those tests done on prison inmates that showed how lack of self-control was a major reason why they got involved in crime - that shit is interesting. I think so anyway.

EVIL TWIN:
Do you REALLY find this shit interesting or do you say you do just to seem smart or something? Wouldn't you rather just smoke drugs and play GTA IV?

ME:
Of course. But I have no drugs, nor an Xbox or Playstation.

EVIL TWIN:
That can all be arranged. Do I sense some "I am a grown up now, I don't do that stuff anymore"-bullshit here?


ME:
Perhaps. And I've never had one of those machines. Do you remember when I installed Civilization 3 or whatever it was on my PC? Fuck, I didn't study for weeks. I get too addicted to games like that. And to drugs. A combination of the two would be a catastrophe for me right now. I have enough problems trying to keep my head straight enough to try and come up with fucking stories and angles.

EVIL TWIN:
I think we should go to bed now, man. It's getting late. But before we do that, what do you have against that whole Hunter S. Thompson Converse campaign? Isn't it cool that some big brand like that actually uses Someone in their ads rather than some skinny kid with bad tattoos? Don't you think bringing the Good Doctor into pop culture in that way will make his work and persona more accessible to the mainstream? Or are you so pretentious that you want to keep this God of journalism out of reach to the general public?

ME:
I just find it a bit offensive to use him like that, with his cigarette and scotch in hand, next to the singer of Green Day. He's dead. He killed himself. For the last couple of decades before he died he was constantly writing about the Death of the American Dream and now he's up there with a kid with bad tattoos, James Dean, and a rapper campaigning for shoes. I just think it's bad taste. In my view he is one of the great writers of the 21st century, not a model. It's true that the campaign may open up some kid's eyes to his genious, but I don't think it's the right way of doing it. I'd rather see that kid watching Fear & Loathing or picking up a copy of Hell's Angels. But maybe I'm just a romantic idiot. Maybe I'm getting old.

EVIL TWIN:
I think you are. You're even talking to yourself now.

HUNTER/CONVERSE/DAMN EDITORS & OTHER EMPLOYERS/PAT BATEMAN

“They that were full have hired out themselves for bread; and they that were hungry ceased: so that the barren hath born seven; and she that hath many children is waxed feeble.”
Sam, 2, 5

I saw the new Converse campaign today and I can’t fucking believe they’re using a photo of Hunter S. Thompson. What’s next? P.J. O’Rourke in a Diesel ad? Norman Mailer in a Gatorade campaign?

I didn’t know political journalists were such hot marketing vessels. But, what the hell do I know anyway. Nothing. I know nothing.

Just sent off a radio documentary to the public broadcaster in Norway about the low powered radio-thing they’ve got going here in NZ. Pretty interesting stuff. Of course I’m gonna think it’s interesting. I fucking made it. But, according to objective journalistic criteria it also has a certain amount of news value the right amount of depth, and so on and so on. Now buy it pleeeaaase.

Damn editors and other people in power! I just went to The Second Interview(!) for this job that I REALLY want today. God knows if I’ll get it. hope, pray and beg that I’ll get it and I’ll know by the end of next week.

They called from a voice over place today and asked if I could do some stuff tomorrow. It should be easy money - just speak into a mic for half an hour - make $100. If only I could that EVERY half an hour.

I’ll watch some American Psycho now. Just coming up to the scene where Pat Bateman fucks the two prostitutes while watching himself in the mirror. Classic scene. Not as classic as the next one, when they’re all lying in bed, sleeping, and Bateman wakes up and says “do not touch the watch”.

NY ERA I BERNHARDIA/JOBBJAKT/RADIO

Alt det han gjør, skal lykkes for ham.
Slik er det ikke med de ugudelige.
Sal, 1, 3 & 4

Bernhardia kan være på randen av en ny era nå. Det kan det være forskjellige grunner til. Enten så lander jeg den jobben i morgen som media manager for en enorm internasjonal organisasjon som redder verden eller så lander jeg den ikke. Hvis jeg får den så er en ny era helt klart i gang.

Jeg er så optimist og pessimist på en gang at jeg får vondt i huet. Jeg kan se for meg at jeg får den jobben – og skal jeg dømme ut i fra det første inervjuet så er det nesten bænkers. Jeg klikka skikkelig med sjefen og vi satt og prata i evigheter etter at intervjuet liksom var over. Samtidig så er jeg jo realistisk – jeg har minimalt med lokal erfaring, noe som er dritviktig her i landet. Men jeg krysser fingrene og ber til jobbintervjuguden om nåde. I morgen klokka elleve skal jeg i møte med sjefen igjen – og en IT-kar som er tidligere journalist – og Gud vet hva vi skal prate om. Spennende blir det uansett.

Enten så får jeg solgt den radiodokumentaren jeg har jobbet med de siste dagene eller så blir jeg sittende med den i fanget. Får jeg ikke solgt den så legger jeg bare på engelsk voice over og sender den på stasjonen hvor jeg leser nyheter – men da får jeg ikke betalt.

Hvis ingen av disse tingene går som de “skal” så er jeg kanskje ikke på randen av en ny era, men det føles som om noe er i ferd med å skje her.

Jeg og svensken satte i gang med et nytt prosjekt i går. Vi skal lage en radiodokumentar om situasjonen på Fiji. Jeg har opparbeidet meg noen ganske fete kilder som jeg nesten må få brukt til et eller annet. Vi satser på en engelsk for det lokale markedet – eller for BBC. Jeg tviler på at NRK er interressert i en reportasje om media på Fiji under militærdiktaturet...

Man kan jo begynne å lure på hvorfor i helvete det er slik. Men sånn er det. Jeg må bare innordne meg etter det. Og prøve å pushe konvolutten som det heter.

Det er også gode konkrete nyheter på frilansfronten – jeg har en ny klient! Jeg skriver nå jevnlig for en forskningsportal om research og akademiske greier fra denne siden av verden. Fett for meg som er litt sånn hemmelig akademisk nerd og synes nesten alt er dritinterressant. Det er en dritbra ting å ha i den uendelige porteføljen jeg setter sammen. Gudene vet hva jeg skal bruke denne porteføljen til men den er sikkert grei å ha en dag.

Redaktøren min på radioen her nede prøvde å få meg og svensken inn på en frilanserkonferanse som holdes her i byenn i dag, men det gikk ikke. Ganske døvt, det hadde vært fett å se hva andre frilansere her nede driver med. Men det holdes en Writer's Festival her nede snart og den skal vi inn på. Må sjekke programmet og se om det er noen store internasjonale forfattere som kommer, kanskje jeg kan gjøre en story for det norske markedet også.

Nå sitter jeg på campuset til Auckland Uni og later som om jeg er student. Mye naïve drittunger her som tror verden er deres østers eller hva det heter. Kul atmosfære. Om noen minutter går jeg opp i studio og forbereder dagens tolv-nyheter. Forhåpentligvis er det noen kule stories i dag. Har lyst til å gjøre noen bra intervjuer i dag.

Blir mer og mer komfortabel i studioet for hver dag. Det er dødsnoia å lese morgennyhetene når Mike Havoc, etter tretten tusen kopper kaffe, skriker og kødder i vei, avbryter meg midt i setningene og kommenterer nyhetene mens jeg leser dem. Men han er en kjempegod radiomann. En av de beste i landet.

Fikk en melding av en venninne av kjæresten i går. Hun hørte meg på radioen! Det er like sprøtt hver gang. Jeg vet jo at det sitter tusenvis av folk og hører på men at det er ekte mennesker, som jeg kanskje til og med kjenner, er like overraskende hver gang.

INTERNET/ADAM CURTIS/THE SECOND INTERVIEW

“There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.”
Gen, 6, 4

So fucking internet doesn’t fucking work. Well. What are you gonna do. Guess I’ll have to party like it’s 1989 then.

I think I know why it doesn’t work too. Just as I was reading e-mails ths morning I decided to watch some of Adam Curtis’ The Trap while having breakfast. Now, this documentary is, as far as I know, about how the government divides and conquers its people. Obviously that wasn’t very popular with The Man here in NZ.

In other news… I finished production on a mad track today. I think this one could be a decent banger but due to internet being down no one can hear it at this point except my close neighbours.

I have been invited to Le Zecond Ynterview for that job I went for last week. This is great news. I really, really want that job. Hopefully I won’t look/sound/seem to desperate on friday when I’m meeting with them again.

I always find it hard to keep it cool in job interviews. Obviously I don’t want to kep it too cool – I want them to understand that I want the job. But, then again, I don’t want to seem like I can’t get another job.

Freelancing is going well. I just got another story published. This time in northern Europe’s largest science portal, http://www.forskning.no. This is pretty big for me. It’s the first time I’ve written a story on science and they loved it. That’s what they said anyway. They said it was “well written”. I know this doesn’t really mean that I’m the new Capote or Faulkner since the person who said it was a scientist, but it’s still nice to hear.

Yup internet is back up. I’m having soup for dinner.

REAL MEN/HOMOPHOBICS ARE THE REAL FAGGOTS

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Rev, 2, 7

So another so-called Real Man is worried that his fellow country men has turned into a bunch of moisturizing-wearing, pink shirt-donning faggots. This time it's Aussie rugby legend Mal Malinga who, in a fit of retardendess, says that Australian men should be ashamed of themselves.

"Whatever happened to all the real men in Australia?" he asks.

I dunno Mal, but they sure as hell didn't become spokesmen for Kirks Brewed Ginger Beer, like you did.

I always find it hilarious and pathetic when Real Men try to tell us all how we're supposed to live our lives. And what does the bitter old rugby legend, now ginger beer spokesman, Mal Malinga base this shit on? On anecdotal evidence. Well... There's certainly enough anecdotal evidence out there to say that people like him - the Real Men - are the REAL faggots. We all know what goes on the ass-slapping locker rooms, man.

I've been there. It's fucking gay, that's what it is. When so-called Real Men go out to have a good time you can be certain that you'll get mooned, someone will take their shirt off, they'll joke around with nakedness, gay shit and intimacy.

Homophobics are they gayest guys around. I base this on anecdotal evidence and hanging out with engineering students during my university years.

Anyway, here's a list of things any man should be able to do, according to Popular Mechanics. I've put an X next to the ones I can do myself.

1. Patch a radiator hose
2. Protect your computer X
3. Rescue a boater who has capsized X
4. Frame a wall
5. Retouch digital photos X
6. Back up a trailer
7. Build a campfire X
8. Fix a dead outlet
9. Navigate with a map and compass X
10. Use a torque wrench
11. Sharpen a knife X
12. Perform CPR X
13. Fillet a fish X
14. Manoeuvre a car out of a skid
15. Get a car unstuck
16. Back up data X
17. Paint a room X
18. Mix concrete
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle X
20. Change oil and filter
21. Hook up an HDTV X
22. Bleed brakes
23. Paddle a canoe X
24. Fix a bike flat X
25. Extend your wireless network X

That's pretty good, I reckon. I don't have a license nor a car, so forgive me if I don't know all the car-shit. But at least I know how to clean a gun.

There's nothing in there about how to please a woman. I can do that too.

GTA IV/CONSERVATIVE KIDS

Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech.
Gen, 11, 7

Oh, my God! Or OMG as they say. What's the fuzz about GTA4 again? That it's a violent video game? Fuck, didn't we have discussions when GTA1, 2, 3 and when ALL the damn games in between came as well!?

Well, it's a violent video game... And that's it... Now move on. Parents are gonna buy it for their kids, but some parents also lock their kids up in their cellar for 24 years, rape them, and threaten to gas them if they squeal.

Some parents give their kids drugs. Some don't give their kids anything. Fuck, I even saw one of those white-trash moms on the bus here the other day with a pram - in it sat a fat little baby eating lollipops and shit. The kid was probably one year old and had rotten teeth before they've even grown out.

So should we ban fucking lollipops!? No. Parents buying GTA4 for their 8 year olds is not a reason to ban the game. That doesn't even make sense. Parents are retards, like most people. Get used to it.

And so fucking what if they buy it to their kids anyway!? There's no established link between violent games/movies/music and actual violence and aggression. Whatsoever. None. NO LINK. Researchers and fucking professors in behavioral psychology and all kinds of nerds have been trying to prove this a thousand times. They can't.

I used to work as a media teacher at a high school. Every now and then I tried to pick the students' brain a little bit and make them think just a tiny little bit. So one day, while doing a course on censorship in media, I asked them what they thought about porn on TV all day, violence in movies etc. etc. I tried to make them think about where the buck should stop.

They were ultra-conservatives. They seemed to think that people couldn't think for themselves at all. I tried to tell them that, if I wanted to, shouldn't I be allowed to watch porn/violence/play violent computer games etc. as long as it doesn't hurt anyone?

They hadn't really thought about it that way. They're so used to having a government choosing what they can watch/play and not that they had lost faith in grown ups' right to choose for themselves and their children.

Quite scary, if you ask me. Kids nowadays expect the government to screen everything, ban shit, tell you what to do.

They think that everyone is dumber and more easily affected by violence than themselves. You know, oh, I'm not really affected by video games, but it should still be a rating on them.

I asked them whether that's not pretty damn condescending, to think that everyone is more stupid than you are. I don't know if they agreed... I thought young people were supposed to be all radical but the ones I taught were fucking conservatives. I suppose that's what living in the world's wealthiest social democracy does to you.

HATE/HILLARY/SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?/CANNED SCREAMING

And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.
Rev, 2, 21

Fuck, I hate it when hosts on shows like So You Think You can Dance end their sentences by speaking slower and s-l-o-w-e-r and louder and LOUDER, because they know they are getting a massive applause. Hillary Clinton does it too. A lot. I fucking hate it.

How hard can it possibly be to get 10.000 sugar high eleven-year-olds to scream when you hold up a sign that says SCREAM NOW!!!!! And also after an hour of indoctrination into the antics of “how to behave as an audience on TV” with free lollies and coke for everyone.

It’s about as hard as it is to get 10.000 democrats to scream when you put 30.000 watts of lights in their face, a million white pigeons, two thousand american flags, and you stand on a stage with people of ALL RACES AND CREEDS behind you and then you end your sentence with “We’ll get there by staying and fighting and s-t-a-n-d-i-n-g u-p FOR WHAT WE B-E-L-I-E-V-E I-N!!!”

It’s like a fucking canned laughter. No, it’s worse, actually. Canned laugter is just canned laughter. The applause on So You Think You can Dance and Hillary Clinton’s campaign trail is supposed to be so fucking EPIC. Every single time. Every little fucking insignificant and braindead thing like a dance by REESE(!), like who the fuck IS Reese!? Or a sentence that sounds like it’s taken out of Tony Robbins’ shit, so insanely uninspiring and cliché, and Hillary stands there in her ugly-as red pant-suit and 10.000 people just fucking SSCCCRRRREEEEEAAAAAAMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do they scream? Because they’re supposed to, that’s why.